this song was always one of my favorites

Y’know those songs that just make you feel

This one is mine 

https://youtu.be/CK57wXM7yAk

night blogging- I can’t really sleep

I know that she wasn’t but it felt like she was so close to kissing me today. 

We do this thing where I nuzzle in to her neck and she nuzzles back, to the point where her nose is against mine or my cheek. 

The thing is that it’s so lovely that we are able to get that close without it being anything but platonic because we both understand. 

I mean sometimes it feels like she’s about to kiss me because of the proximity but I know she isn’t going to really which is why I’ll never lean in to it. 

I don’t really want to kiss her when I know that it’s not what she wants and it would make her so uncomfortable. 

I'm feeling really nice today.

My body feels healthier and much less groggy than the past few months.
Sam and I went on a five day cleanse with this store (detox kitchen and juice bar it's called) and they prepared all our meals for 5 days.
All veggies, smoothies and salads, no milk, cheese, eggs, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, gluten , nothing. Pure detox. I really needed this.
I learned some sweet recipes too along the way and so we're going to try and keep up the healthy habits (though slightly less intense, and with a cheat day - Mondays)
I even bought a couple healthy recipe books when I went to Barnes and Nobles the other day.

I have noticed that I have started gaining a little lately, and where I'm not obsessing over it, i wouldn't mind loosing it again. I'm not weighing myself though.

I don't know, I just feel nice today.

These recurring thoughts keep me awake to be honest.

You know there was a time where the plan was for me to come to the states and stay here until November and then move on. As I always do. 

It's November now and to be honest I can't face leaving. So I'm not.

I'm terrified that if I move again I'm going to drift away from some very important people to me. I had friends I'd see almost every day in Spain and now we barely text and half the time when we do I don't know what to say to them anymore.

I can't even consider that happening again, it makes me so sad I just can't ... 

I can't lose my best friend again. 

Coming out is never straight forward and sexuality often isn't either.

* brief mentions of rape 

So last week  it was national coming out day or something along those lines, and while I don't feel the need to make a statement, and I don't condone anything that would make anyone feel pressured in to coming out when they are not ready, I thought it might be a nice excuse to share my experience / dump some of the things that are filling up my head.

Just comes to show me that not everyone has themselves figured out and that is ok.

I don't know man. I was pretty sure I was straight for a long time. I had crushes on girls at a young age, and I'd get overly attached to a girl now and then, for some reason I just thought that that was just strong feelings of friendship and not actual crushes. 

Thinking back I know these crushes were very platonic, as I didn't develop even a thought for sex until I was quite a bit older, so I don't know if it would fall under my sexual orientation, but it's some sort of orientation none the less.
Like my feelings were involved at this point, even nothing physical ever crossed my mind, I had the same ache to be close and important to both guys and girls at one point or another growing up.

I hope this is making some sense to someone.

Then sex happened because it was "supposed to" apparently. I don't know. It was kinda forced. I don't really want to talk about it.

Even now sex can be a lot of fun and a nice way to connect and be close and intimate but it's not essential for me. Where I have absolutely nothing against it I could be equally happy if my relationship didn't include it.

Kissing though, that I really do enjoy.
It doesn't feel like it has to be sexual to me to be honest, just another way to connect and get that close intimacy, though I do understand why some would disagree with me.
Kissing is just so sweet and nice to me it's almost like cuddling or snuggling together just a little more

This post is going to be a lot of train of thought apparently.

This is just me trying to put in to words how I feel platonically romantically and sexually in general . I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've actually honestly confronted it in writing too which is.... interesting. I understand if no one bears with me though haha.

I think I was like.... twelve? when I told my mum I liked a girl and the way she reacted made me realize ("realize") that that wasn't right / possible / obviously I just wanted to be her best friend. Stop being silly Amanda.

I really wanted to kiss her though.

Then I only talked about the guys I crushed on. I feel like a lot of that was for show too, just agreeing with my friends for  the sake of fitting in. I don't remember very well but I'm pretty sure.

For the sake of this post where the point is talking about my experience I'm going to say that I lost my virginity at 14 to a guy in a bathroom at school, but to me that doesn't count as sex if it was.... forced... whatever.

Maybe that contributed to me disregarding sex as unappealing to begin with though, and then just unimportant. Maybe. m

I had like 3 boyfriends during my teenage years. It was nice for the most part. It was that period of time where you feel eeeeverything times 100.  I want to say that I did love them, but my teenage definition of what love feels like is obviously very different from what I feel now.

Bear in mind I was still pretty sure I was straight at this point. Everything just got brushed aside and then something happened that I couldn't brush off and that was that a particular girl moved in with me during my third year in university. I was so in love with this girl, it was tragic man.

Nothing ever happened, she was inCREDIBLY straight apparently. But it brought home that yeah. Your girl is Not Straight. Nope.

It was strange. It was as if there was this thing clouding my vision, I wasn't allowing myself to see girls like that and any little inkling would get crushed right away, but then I really could not lie to myself anymore and again. I really wanted to kiss her. And suddenly I realized that girls are amazing.

I am very attracted to girls in a platonic and sometimes romantic way
Sexually its 50/50 same as with guys usually.

To be honest I often feel like the scale tips a little harder towards girls nowadays.

And labels are still hard for me.

Music on Mondays - Florence and the Machine - Rabbit Heart (raise it up)

 Florence and the Machine - Rabbit Heart (raise it up) 

My literal favorite song

I had, such a lovely lovely day yesterday.

I just remember it and I'm smiling so much.
You know when you remember a time nostalgically, but it's a GOOD nostalgia, because somehow you get to feel exactly how nice and happy you did back then.
Agh
I love this

So a few years ago I was going through something quite bad. A lot of actual anxiety and depression and unhealthy eating (or lack of) to top that off I was in the middle of a long distance, and very toxic relationship that I wasn't quite aware I didn't deserve and that I didn't quite know how to get out of.

Back then I was very in to tumblr, and very into blogging and was much more active in all those platforms too, so I remember it being a very quiet time in my life. I lived in an apartment in Spain but away from home, I had my own little room I barely left, and I loved when I was able to just stay in on my laptop binge watching series (can you relate?)

So i get how this doesn't really sound all that happy but bear with me.

I made a friend online, via tumblr, He helped me so much in ways he doesn't even realize I think.
Just the mere fact of making this new friend threw in to very sharp relief exactly how toxic and controlling my relationship was, because of how violently my ex reacted to me making a friend, and tried to guilt me in to stop talking with him.
We clicked and connected very quickly, he came in to my life just when I needed  him (don't tell him that - but he very much became my best friend)

He was there, emailing back and forth, helping me through every fight, every depressive episode, and every good day too. We talked constantly and he introduced me to his boyfriend and I became super close friends with him too.

And then he showed me this book he'd written a while back, asking me for feedback and I fell in LOVE with his characters, omg.

To the point where he'd whip up a chapter of a fragment of story just for me when I was feeling down, just to cheer me up and it would work.

Agh I remember he skyped me the night I broke it off with my ex and we just chatted all night, we watched a movie over shared screen and he showed me what he was practicing on his guitar.

This is getting fairly long, but I promise I'm almost finished.

We drifted apart a little once I moved to the states , and I think a little before that really, but they never, not once gave up on me. Both of them would check in now and then even if i was busy being too busy for my friends.

Last night though it felt like our friendship snapped right back in to that closeness we had back then when he was helping me through it all without even meaning to.

We rediscovered that book and started talking about it for h o u r s and it just made me so. happy.

We talked to much it was about 7am his time before he passed out and tHEN I skyped with his boyfreind and it was like nothing had changed.

These are my boys and I love them to pieces, and I hope they know how much I value them.

Little big moments

Guys, Your comments made me smile so much.

The Eclipse was amazing.
It made me miss my dad and feel closer than ever to him at the same time. But I wasn't really sad.
I bought a lil chocolate cupcake to celebrate his birthday and sat on the grass of some pretty private property and watched the sun disappear behind the moon through the glass of a welding mask.
My dad used to be a welder. I wouldn't have watched it any other way.



I loved more than I can say that he Eclipse happened on the morning of his birthday.
I'm lucky enough that I've been alive for two Solar Eclipses now and the first one is one of my most vivid memories of him; standing in the garden next to him and my mother and my baby sister peering through the welding mask that felt so huge on my childlike head.

It's been over two year now since he died and it still feels strange sometimes. I don't think I'll ever get totally used to it, but I cling to moments like this that bring me happy nostalgia.

I love you dad. Happy birthday. 

Music on Mondays - Go Radio - Goodnight Moon

Go Radio - Goodnight Moon

I love this feeling.

I'm on mobile so idk how awkward the post formatting is going to be but let's hope it looks normal. 

Also I'm in the car and it's 5am. 

It's been so long since we've done this; get up at the crack of dawn and just drive. We're doing a mini road trip from SF to Tahoe and then to big Sur. 

I'm so excited (!!) 

When I fell in love with California.

Moving to another continent is pretty huge, or so I'm told. It doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me though. Maybe that's just because I decided to dive in and it's my life now though. 

I lived in Spain with my family for many years and I'm the kind of person who can't stay still. I have restless feet syndrome. I get it from my dad. 

I've always known that I wouldn't settle down before I saw my fair share of the world and I definitely wouldn't settle down in the same place I'd spent most of my life. The earth is way too big for that. 

There is a big step though, between wanting to live your life like that and actually going for it. 

And then I met Sam. Sam the traveler, with a thousand stories about the hundreds of places he's already seen, and I decided I wanted to be a part of his stories and the ones to come. 

I'd recently lost my job at the school where I had been working and so I decided to try, why not? i packed two suitcases and moved to California where Sam was. 

If worse comes to worse and it didn't work out, I would still have the memories of living in California and of all crazy experiences that go with that. I will never regret this no matter what happens and I knew that from the beginning. 

I had the best outcome imaginable though. I'm incredibly happy with my life right now and I'm meeting so many amazing people ^^  

When I lived in Spain

I just found some really old photos, aren't they beautiful? 

This is seaside in Almeria in the south of spain where I went to University. 

Sorry for all the photo spam but it was just such a beautiful sunset... The sea was pastel blue with pink reflecting off it from the sunlight that was bleeding down and it was breathtaking.

Music on Mondays - Bombay Bicycle Club - Always Like This -

Bombay Bicycle Club - Always Like This

Chilling in my pillow fort

I spent far too long in the shower today but self care, y'know.
I'm still low key thinking about piercing my nose. I didn't buy ice cream in the end the other day; instead I bought some lovely hummus and some carrots and sweet potato chips and it was so delicious ^^
And right now I'm enjoying some ginger and pear kombucha with chia seeds that Sammy, my adorable Argentinian life-partner, made at home.

So Sammy's friend came over from Germany a week or so ago, at it was really lovely to meet him to be honest. He's one of Sam's best friends ever and I can see why, he's pretty cool.

They are currently sharing the big bed which is cool as it means pillow fort on the floor for me, and let me tell you, I am SO excited to sleep surrounded by poofy blankets and pillows, I feel like such a child again.

Idk I've always enjoyed sleeping in weird places.  When I shared a flat in Spain I would alwaaaaay always sleep on the couch in the living room if my roommates weren't in.
Apparently it's genetic. My father had a love for that too and so does my older sister. And my younger sister once fell asleep in a wardrobe.

overthinking

I really want to treat myself to some ice-cream today but idk.. at the same time I feel like I've been treating myself to comfort foods for the past two weeks, which has undoubtedly led to a little weight gain.
I'm ok with that. Much more ok than I would have been in the past. But still, I want to look after myself.
My fear now isn't gaining weight, it's that the weight gain will trigger something in me and bring back that unhealthy attitude with a stronger force than what it already is. As it is I can talk myself out of doing stupid things, but I remember not being able to do that in the past and I don't want to go back there.
Maybe I'll just get the ice-cream anyway to prove a point to myself.
Maybe I'll just stop over thinking it.

I made a really good friend since I started living here. TJ is great and I love them to bits.
I guess they're my best friend but I'd never tell em that lol. They know already I bet, it's not something they're not used to .

I feel like they're distancing themselves a bit from me though, we used to be way more cuddly, and it wasn't just me looking for closeness, but I think recently, TJ has started to see me as a bit of a threat which bums me out. Keeps making little jokes about me crushing on them and I feel like maybe they are worried it's true.

And I mean a threat in the way that, TJ is not in to girls and maybe they feel that I am feeling things for them just for the fact that I'm bi and can like girls and boys.

I do love TJ immensely but not like that at all. Not even. I could't even picture wanting to kiss them, all I want is that closeness. It's all severely platonic and soft and nice.

I care about them so much that I don't think I could ever even subconsciously want anything that would make them feel uncomfortable.

And maybe I'm just having a day where I over think fucking everything.

Music on Mondays - You're Smilin (But I Don't Believe You) - Margaret Glaspy

You're Smilin (But I Don't Believe You) - Margaret Glaspy

I've recently discovered this lovely voice and it's just so sad and so lovely...

I was going to save this for a Monday but this song just makes me so Happy.

Please listen to it <3 

Dodie "sick of losing soulmates"

What a strange being you are, God knows where I would be

If you hadn't found me, sitting all alone in the dark

A dumb screenshot of youth

Watch how a cold broken teen

Will desperately lean on a superglued human of proof

What the hell would I be, without you

Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth

....

I feel like I'm going to start binge-listening to Dodie all over again. All the f e e l s .

hi guys,
I'm having a bit of a weird day. Y'know when you feel a little insecure in your friendships and things like that because you realize that just because you feel super close to someone doesn't mean that it's all that to them. Like tbh they are that close, or closer, to all their other friends.  Which is wonderful and I love that they are like this so much, but I'm just having an aaaaaah im not special moment.
Which I guess I needed cos damn
get off your high horse. chill.

whatever.

I'm just just chilling right now, home alone, watching tattoo videos. I changed one of my earrings, and I feel pretty and I'm thinking about piercing my nose but I've worked so hard to have clear skin, I don't know if I want anything going on on my face. But then I kinda do.

I'm planning on getting another cartilage piercing so maybe I'll feel up to it then.

Imma shower and scrub my face and wash my hair any maybe feel a little less bleh if I look after myself a little bit.

love you guys.

Music on Mondays - Biffy Clyro "Medicine"

Biffy Clyro - " Medicine"

I was so extEAMLY happy when I got to see these guys live this year. It was so amazing and surreal and I burst with happiness <3

Music on Mondays - The Fray - "How to save a life"

The Fray - "How to save a life" 

Who doesn't know every single line to this song? Every time it plays on the radio I get so happy. It's such a sad song but it is brilliant. I feel like a teenager again.

Personal growth

I'm taking today to learn to be better.
Today I got stood up by a friend. She said she'd pick me up and then got sidetracked for a few hours and so we decided to leave it to another day.

In the past this would have got to me much more than I'm allowing it to today. It still got to me a little at the time I mean, I spent 5 hours waiting around when I could have been doing something productive, But I'm letting it go instead of letting the situation upset me, or damage how I see this friend.

She really is lovely and the times I have hung out with her have been a lot of fun, and she's one of those people it's no effort to be around. Today, really, was not important.

She knows where I am when she truly does have some time off to spend with me and I find no problem in waiting.

little work-life update

I'm so content right now. I just cleaned my room and I'm sitting on my bed drinking the same type of tea I'd drink in Spain with my mother and grandmother, which is Yorkshire tea, which is the best tea, always and forever.

Today is Friday, which means a full day off before working two doubles back to back.
I love working doubles but they kinda feel like a sprint. I need to brace myself before and rest afterwards.
I love how productive and useful I feel on full days though.

So I'm working 3 waitressing jobs at the moment. One of them is one of the first jobs I got after moving over here, not great paying (it's pretty terrible actually) and the other two are more recent and way more decent wages and tips.
I'm pushing for more days at these two and as soon as I get some more I will leave the first one.
Keeping track of schedules is a little difficult now and then, especially as the first restaurant keeps switching up my schedule instead of keeping it the same week to week.

But anyway, I'm quite happy doing this, I never thought I'd enjoy waitessing like this :)

Oh! also I've started filling a notebook again. I used to love painting in a notebook and I had stopped for the longest time but I've started again and I'm so happy I restarted.

Keep doing things that make you happy, happiness is the one thing we must always carry with us and create within ourselves.

Music on Mondays - Plain White T's - "Hey there Delilah"

 Plain White T's - "Hey there Delilah" 

This song is just so lovely, just so lovely.

I'd love to learn how to play this on the guitar.
I'm nowhere near being able to yet, but someday, when I get a bit better.

Decorations.

One of the things that have happened in the last few months that got me really excited was finally getting my shoulders tattooed.

I feel like all along my late childhood, adolescence and early years of adulthood I was very much focused on my body image and ways to make myself feel like I'm in the body I'm meant to be in. It took quite the self destructive turn, some of you might know, I'm not going to go all the way in to it, but my weight and size became unhealthily important to me.

I am so happy now that when I want to change something in my appearance it comes from a much healthier place now. I wish to decorate my skin and keep it healthy and full of life now.

I baby my hair and treat it with masks and oils, and the same with my face and skin. It all comes from a place of self love and appreciation and I am so much happier.

Anyway, apart from all that, I've always adored the concept of tattoos, I've had a million designs I've wanted over the years but (thankfully) have been very picky as to which ones I've chosen to actually put on my body.

I am absolutely in love with my shoulder pieces, they are my biggest and most visible ones yet and every time I catch sight of myself in the mirror now it makes me smile so much.

this is the photo my artist took after my last session 

The guy is called Andy Chen . He is absolutely amazing and he works out of a private studio in San Francisco. 

I'm so in love with his art and I will be going back to him for future work. 

I have a few ideas for future pieces but I wont be getting anything new for a while yet. Maybe September for my birthday, or closer to winter. We'll see. 

Bonjour

I'm currently being yelled at via Facebook messenger by my friend because I've never tried Funnel Cake before thehorror

Hello again. My name is Mandy and I have a habit of fading from social media for months at a time. I'm restarting this blog again because I feel like I want to use my voice again.
I feel it's ok to want to be quiet sometimes so that might happen now and then , but I love that I always have the option to write again. So here I am.

I'm not going to update everything all at once because I feel like that would be too much, this would be entirely too long and my hands would get tired, but I will be talking about all the little things that have been going on over here bit by bit.

oh my gosh I'm listening to music in the background and a cover of My Chemical Romance's "I don't love you" just started and all the feeeeels . The person doing the cover is adorable also so if you love that song  check out the link.

So yeah. This was just a little message to say Hi, I'm here, I'm alive, and I hope you guys are all still around and doing well.