* brief mentions of rape
So last week it was national coming out day or something along those lines, and while I don't feel the need to make a statement, and I don't condone anything that would make anyone feel pressured in to coming out when they are not ready, I thought it might be a nice excuse to share my experience / dump some of the things that are filling up my head.
Just comes to show me that not everyone has themselves figured out and that is ok.
I don't know man. I was pretty sure I was straight for a long time. I had crushes on girls at a young age, and I'd get overly attached to a girl now and then, for some reason I just thought that that was just strong feelings of friendship and not actual crushes.
Thinking back I know these crushes were very platonic, as I didn't develop even a thought for sex until I was quite a bit older, so I don't know if it would fall under my sexual orientation, but it's some sort of orientation none the less.
Like my feelings were involved at this point, even nothing physical ever crossed my mind, I had the same ache to be close and important to both guys and girls at one point or another growing up.
I hope this is making some sense to someone.
Then sex happened because it was "supposed to" apparently. I don't know. It was kinda forced. I don't really want to talk about it.
Even now sex can be a lot of fun and a nice way to connect and be close and intimate but it's not essential for me. Where I have absolutely nothing against it I could be equally happy if my relationship didn't include it.
Kissing though, that I really do enjoy.
It doesn't feel like it has to be sexual to me to be honest, just another way to connect and get that close intimacy, though I do understand why some would disagree with me.
Kissing is just so sweet and nice to me it's almost like cuddling or snuggling together just a little more
This post is going to be a lot of train of thought apparently.
This is just me trying to put in to words how I feel platonically romantically and sexually in general . I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've actually honestly confronted it in writing too which is.... interesting. I understand if no one bears with me though haha.
I think I was like.... twelve? when I told my mum I liked a girl and the way she reacted made me realize ("realize") that that wasn't right / possible / obviously I just wanted to be her best friend. Stop being silly Amanda.
I really wanted to kiss her though.
Then I only talked about the guys I crushed on. I feel like a lot of that was for show too, just agreeing with my friends for the sake of fitting in. I don't remember very well but I'm pretty sure.
For the sake of this post where the point is talking about my experience I'm going to say that I lost my virginity at 14 to a guy in a bathroom at school, but to me that doesn't count as sex if it was.... forced... whatever.
Maybe that contributed to me disregarding sex as unappealing to begin with though, and then just unimportant. Maybe. m
I had like 3 boyfriends during my teenage years. It was nice for the most part. It was that period of time where you feel eeeeverything times 100. I want to say that I did love them, but my teenage definition of what love feels like is obviously very different from what I feel now.
Bear in mind I was still pretty sure I was straight at this point. Everything just got brushed aside and then something happened that I couldn't brush off and that was that a particular girl moved in with me during my third year in university. I was so in love with this girl, it was tragic man.
Nothing ever happened, she was inCREDIBLY straight apparently. But it brought home that yeah. Your girl is Not Straight. Nope.
It was strange. It was as if there was this thing clouding my vision, I wasn't allowing myself to see girls like that and any little inkling would get crushed right away, but then I really could not lie to myself anymore and again. I really wanted to kiss her. And suddenly I realized that girls are amazing.
I am very attracted to girls in a platonic and sometimes romantic way
Sexually its 50/50 same as with guys usually.
To be honest I often feel like the scale tips a little harder towards girls nowadays.
And labels are still hard for me.
Orientation can be so confusing. For me, I always thought I was only attracted to girls, but in my mid-teens I realized I was attracted to guys too. But I don't identify as bi or pansexual or anything. Just... queer.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I really wanted to say that I agree that it doesn't really 'count' if you're forced. I didn't know other people felt that way too. Although there was abuse in my childhood and an abusive relationship in my teens, I don't really regard either as losing my virginity. I feel like I lost it when I first had consensual sex.
And on that note, for me, that sorta shit can really mess with your perception of orientation and relationships. I'm clear on how I feel about girls, but with guys, it's really messy and foggy and extremely unhealthy.
If you didn’t choose it, no, it doesn’t count.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps reframe that at at all, I think virginity is a silly and very heteronormative concept. Having a penis inside you doesn’t magically change you as a person. I was abused as a kid but the first time I chose to be with someone it was a woman. I consider that my first time and when I gave someone my virginity (though like I said I think it’s an odd concept). Because sex and virginity should be given, not taken.
It’s normal to be confused about your sexuality sometimes. It’s normal to have trauma affect your ability to be intimate and who you are able to trust. It’s okay to call yourself different things over time as your understanding of yourself grows.
I personally identify as bisexual and think that’s a mighty fine description for anyone who is not exclusively straight or exclusively gay, and different bi people have different levels and types of attraction to men or women. That’s okay.
It’s okay to not have it all figured out. Relationships and love and sex are complicated things. We’re all just stumbling along, learning as we go.