this song was always one of my favorites

Y’know those songs that just make you feel

This one is mine 

https://youtu.be/CK57wXM7yAk

night blogging- I can’t really sleep

I know that she wasn’t but it felt like she was so close to kissing me today. 

We do this thing where I nuzzle in to her neck and she nuzzles back, to the point where her nose is against mine or my cheek. 

The thing is that it’s so lovely that we are able to get that close without it being anything but platonic because we both understand. 

I mean sometimes it feels like she’s about to kiss me because of the proximity but I know she isn’t going to really which is why I’ll never lean in to it. 

I don’t really want to kiss her when I know that it’s not what she wants and it would make her so uncomfortable. 

I'm feeling really nice today.

My body feels healthier and much less groggy than the past few months.
Sam and I went on a five day cleanse with this store (detox kitchen and juice bar it's called) and they prepared all our meals for 5 days.
All veggies, smoothies and salads, no milk, cheese, eggs, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, gluten , nothing. Pure detox. I really needed this.
I learned some sweet recipes too along the way and so we're going to try and keep up the healthy habits (though slightly less intense, and with a cheat day - Mondays)
I even bought a couple healthy recipe books when I went to Barnes and Nobles the other day.

I have noticed that I have started gaining a little lately, and where I'm not obsessing over it, i wouldn't mind loosing it again. I'm not weighing myself though.

I don't know, I just feel nice today.

These recurring thoughts keep me awake to be honest.

You know there was a time where the plan was for me to come to the states and stay here until November and then move on. As I always do. 

It's November now and to be honest I can't face leaving. So I'm not.

I'm terrified that if I move again I'm going to drift away from some very important people to me. I had friends I'd see almost every day in Spain and now we barely text and half the time when we do I don't know what to say to them anymore.

I can't even consider that happening again, it makes me so sad I just can't ... 

I can't lose my best friend again. 

Coming out is never straight forward and sexuality often isn't either.

* brief mentions of rape 

So last week  it was national coming out day or something along those lines, and while I don't feel the need to make a statement, and I don't condone anything that would make anyone feel pressured in to coming out when they are not ready, I thought it might be a nice excuse to share my experience / dump some of the things that are filling up my head.

Just comes to show me that not everyone has themselves figured out and that is ok.

I don't know man. I was pretty sure I was straight for a long time. I had crushes on girls at a young age, and I'd get overly attached to a girl now and then, for some reason I just thought that that was just strong feelings of friendship and not actual crushes. 

Thinking back I know these crushes were very platonic, as I didn't develop even a thought for sex until I was quite a bit older, so I don't know if it would fall under my sexual orientation, but it's some sort of orientation none the less.
Like my feelings were involved at this point, even nothing physical ever crossed my mind, I had the same ache to be close and important to both guys and girls at one point or another growing up.

I hope this is making some sense to someone.

Then sex happened because it was "supposed to" apparently. I don't know. It was kinda forced. I don't really want to talk about it.

Even now sex can be a lot of fun and a nice way to connect and be close and intimate but it's not essential for me. Where I have absolutely nothing against it I could be equally happy if my relationship didn't include it.

Kissing though, that I really do enjoy.
It doesn't feel like it has to be sexual to me to be honest, just another way to connect and get that close intimacy, though I do understand why some would disagree with me.
Kissing is just so sweet and nice to me it's almost like cuddling or snuggling together just a little more

This post is going to be a lot of train of thought apparently.

This is just me trying to put in to words how I feel platonically romantically and sexually in general . I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've actually honestly confronted it in writing too which is.... interesting. I understand if no one bears with me though haha.

I think I was like.... twelve? when I told my mum I liked a girl and the way she reacted made me realize ("realize") that that wasn't right / possible / obviously I just wanted to be her best friend. Stop being silly Amanda.

I really wanted to kiss her though.

Then I only talked about the guys I crushed on. I feel like a lot of that was for show too, just agreeing with my friends for  the sake of fitting in. I don't remember very well but I'm pretty sure.

For the sake of this post where the point is talking about my experience I'm going to say that I lost my virginity at 14 to a guy in a bathroom at school, but to me that doesn't count as sex if it was.... forced... whatever.

Maybe that contributed to me disregarding sex as unappealing to begin with though, and then just unimportant. Maybe. m

I had like 3 boyfriends during my teenage years. It was nice for the most part. It was that period of time where you feel eeeeverything times 100.  I want to say that I did love them, but my teenage definition of what love feels like is obviously very different from what I feel now.

Bear in mind I was still pretty sure I was straight at this point. Everything just got brushed aside and then something happened that I couldn't brush off and that was that a particular girl moved in with me during my third year in university. I was so in love with this girl, it was tragic man.

Nothing ever happened, she was inCREDIBLY straight apparently. But it brought home that yeah. Your girl is Not Straight. Nope.

It was strange. It was as if there was this thing clouding my vision, I wasn't allowing myself to see girls like that and any little inkling would get crushed right away, but then I really could not lie to myself anymore and again. I really wanted to kiss her. And suddenly I realized that girls are amazing.

I am very attracted to girls in a platonic and sometimes romantic way
Sexually its 50/50 same as with guys usually.

To be honest I often feel like the scale tips a little harder towards girls nowadays.

And labels are still hard for me.

Music on Mondays - Florence and the Machine - Rabbit Heart (raise it up)

 Florence and the Machine - Rabbit Heart (raise it up) 

My literal favorite song

I had, such a lovely lovely day yesterday.

I just remember it and I'm smiling so much.
You know when you remember a time nostalgically, but it's a GOOD nostalgia, because somehow you get to feel exactly how nice and happy you did back then.
Agh
I love this

So a few years ago I was going through something quite bad. A lot of actual anxiety and depression and unhealthy eating (or lack of) to top that off I was in the middle of a long distance, and very toxic relationship that I wasn't quite aware I didn't deserve and that I didn't quite know how to get out of.

Back then I was very in to tumblr, and very into blogging and was much more active in all those platforms too, so I remember it being a very quiet time in my life. I lived in an apartment in Spain but away from home, I had my own little room I barely left, and I loved when I was able to just stay in on my laptop binge watching series (can you relate?)

So i get how this doesn't really sound all that happy but bear with me.

I made a friend online, via tumblr, He helped me so much in ways he doesn't even realize I think.
Just the mere fact of making this new friend threw in to very sharp relief exactly how toxic and controlling my relationship was, because of how violently my ex reacted to me making a friend, and tried to guilt me in to stop talking with him.
We clicked and connected very quickly, he came in to my life just when I needed  him (don't tell him that - but he very much became my best friend)

He was there, emailing back and forth, helping me through every fight, every depressive episode, and every good day too. We talked constantly and he introduced me to his boyfriend and I became super close friends with him too.

And then he showed me this book he'd written a while back, asking me for feedback and I fell in LOVE with his characters, omg.

To the point where he'd whip up a chapter of a fragment of story just for me when I was feeling down, just to cheer me up and it would work.

Agh I remember he skyped me the night I broke it off with my ex and we just chatted all night, we watched a movie over shared screen and he showed me what he was practicing on his guitar.

This is getting fairly long, but I promise I'm almost finished.

We drifted apart a little once I moved to the states , and I think a little before that really, but they never, not once gave up on me. Both of them would check in now and then even if i was busy being too busy for my friends.

Last night though it felt like our friendship snapped right back in to that closeness we had back then when he was helping me through it all without even meaning to.

We rediscovered that book and started talking about it for h o u r s and it just made me so. happy.

We talked to much it was about 7am his time before he passed out and tHEN I skyped with his boyfreind and it was like nothing had changed.

These are my boys and I love them to pieces, and I hope they know how much I value them.